DrunkenStepfather What Should I do?

Dear Jesus,

I really want to hook up with a hooker, but I can’t afford one. I haven’t worked in years and I am a hurting motherfucker. I have fucked many types of girls, but none of them were professionals and I really feel this is something I need to get my life on track. How can I get with a hooker when I can’t even afford to eat? When I scrounge up $50, the first thing I think about is a bottle, not a whore, but I need one! I look forward to your advice.



Drunken Stepfather – Guide to Free Sex with Hookers

One could argue that all girls are hookers. Not because they reek of syphilis, or because they are sprawled out on the street corner looking for a piece of crack that may have fallen from their once tight-fitting clothes. Girls are all hookers because they like money. I rarely see a rich ugly guy with a fat bitch on his arm; the fat bitches are left for people like me, factory workers by day and internet celebrities at night.

That isn’t to say that hookers are only in it for the money – a lot of them are filthy crack-heads as well. Addiction’s a bitch, but it is a great way to suppress the memories of being molested by a male figure in your life. This isn’t a commentary on the social implications of molestation, because I honestly don’t give a fuck. In fact, I find that abused girls are sometimes better suited for the bedroom, what with all that experience garnered at such a young age.

But my favorite kind of hookers aren’t the crack addicted victims of molestation, nor are they the high-class escorts who overcharge and don’t know their real worth (Paying for fucking school? Tell someone who cares and suck my fucking dick!). My favorite kinds of whores are street whores, or what I like to call “REAL” whores. Some of the more intense relationships in my life have been with prostitutes -- and not because I fear commitment or because I find STDs exciting. I have spent many nights with street whores because I like victims of society. They remind me of how fucked up the world is, and that I am not alone living on the streets, feeding my dog banana peels and spending days jacked on crystal.

But as much as I like street whores, that hasn’t stopped me from hustling more than a few of them. Along the way, I’ve learnt some tricks that may be useful to those looking for ways to get free sex with a hooker. So here’s some advice, you fucking pervert:

Drugs:

Even though most hookers value drugs more than money, getting high with one isn’t usually considered proper payment – most whores just see it as you showing her a good time. This is bullshit. Remember: She may say she needs money, but that bitch does not have a mortgage or cable bill to deal with. Their lifestyle is all about getting fucked up. And if you’ve already stooped so low that you’re willing to stick your cock in this dirty, surprisingly wet hole, you might as well fully engulf yourself in the scuzz and smoke crack with one.

The best way to approach this situation is get her to a safe haven. That’s a hotel room, if you can afford one (rich kid) or a quiet alley if you can’t. Tell her straight up that you’re going to hook her up with some rock. She will go for it, so give’r. I like to take this shit to the next level, and by next level I don’t mean condomless (I was never into risk). I mean get her a little more than high; session that bitch until she overdoses, then fuck her while she’s convulsing. If she lives, your debt to her will be the least of your worries. When you’re done, get up and walk away. You, my friend, just had sex with a hooker without paying.

Kidnap her Kid:

Last time I checked kidnapping was illegal, so I don’t suggest that you really kidnap her kid. I wouldn’t want you to get arrested, especially after spending so much time tracking the little brat down (Thanks, social services!). Remember prison fucking sucks, and one good hooker blowjob is not worth all the cock you’ll be sucking there, so try to keep this as legal as possible.

It’s possible to enjoy the fruits of a kidnapping without actually committing one. Ask her questions about her past: how many kids she has, where they are now. Dig up as much information as possible, but don’t make it obvious; throw in some filler questions to throw her off.

You’re dealing with a crackhead here, so once you have the dirt, use it against her. Reiterate everything that she told you but forgot she told you because she’s a crackhead. She won’t have any recollection of telling you how old little Miguel is, who his father is or why social services took him away. When she asks how you know as much as you do, drop the bomb. Tell her Miguel is being held hostage and that you want to cum in her face as ransom. If it’s the only way to save little Miguel, bitch will have your dick in hand in no time!

The only time this doesn’t work is when the whore is a teenage runaway and hasn’t had a kid yet. If this is the situation tell her that her mom died. It’ll emotionally fuck her up, filling her with guilt and sending her into a raging tantrum. You won’t get laid, but will have the warm content satisfaction that comes with doing someone a favor. It’s not like her mom ever wanted to see her failure daughter again anyway.

Taste Test:

The taste test is what drug dealers do before a big deal. You walk in with the cash, and do a couple of lines with you before the transaction. The same applies to whores, but it’s a little harder to work because you have to befriend the pimp or play one desperate whore off another one.

Go to a location that has a dense whore population, and get them to try to bid for your business. Make it very clear that you are more than ready to pay for the “time of your life,” and your enthusiasm will be enough to get their juices flowing. No matter how often a whore sucks cock in a given night, the opportunity to make money always drives them to suck more, so make them believe you’re going to pay. Tell the pack of whores that, like every good consumer, you want to hook up the best deal, so they’ll have to one-up each other on what each one is actually going to offer you. From here, it’s a small step to get them to demonstrate what they’re actually going to do to you. The whore taste test usually takes the form of a blowjob, so the trick is to coordinate blowjob from each of them as a mechanism to determine which one is worthy of your dime.

Once you cum, either convince the bitches that none of them made the cut and you’re going to test out the tranny-whore down the block, or start a brawl between them. When they are beating the shit out of each other, make your move and get out of there.

A variation of this ploy is to befriend a pimp. You can get him to trust you if you’ve given him a lot of business in the past or if you have dirt on him that could get him in trouble with the law. If he feels like he owes you a good time, then he’ll hook you up with a slut, it’s his currency. He even gives his dad whores for Father’s Day, it’s just the way he works. Getting on a pimp’s good side is next to impossible; their walls are pretty hard to break down. But once you do, you’ll be in free stripper sex heaven.

Hooker with a heart of gold:

Everything with a uterus, no matter how rotted out it is, has a hormonal inclination to make and raise babies. All the drugs in the back alley can’t do away with a woman’s physiological predisposition. Even if bitch is fucking crazed from syphilis and too cracked out to formulate a comprehensible sentence, she will always be ready to breast feed and nurture anything.

The trick here is to tap into that motherly instinct. It isn’t easy, because even though your penis is three inches, she won’t buy that you’re a needy child no matter how hard you suck her titty. You have to find common ground, make her feel for you, make her believe you’ve only stooped this low because your mom was never part of your life. The more you play this angle up, the more likely it is that she’ll start lactating -- and from my experience, a mother rarely charges her kid for the hottest blowjob of his life.

It’s not easy to get a money hungry addict to oversee a fix, but it can be done. Just plan your sob story in advance and try not to laugh when she falls for it, which you won’t because I know you’re really sad.

Marry Her:

Offer her a warm meal and a shower. I’m not talking about actually taking this bitch home to your parents, and I would never suggest that you fall in love with a hooker, even if she’s the only girl who’s ever talked to you. It really isn’t your fault your social skills are not up to snuff; you’ve spent your life scared of the opposite sex and this isn’t going to change overnight.

The best strategy to fool a stripper into thinking that you’re the man who will give her a better life is to offer her a warm shower. You don’t want to bring her back to your house because she’ll steal from you, so save this strategy for when you’re house-sitting for friends. Tell the bitch that she’s the prettiest thing you’ve ever seen, show compassion for her life of hard living and, most importantly, get her to think you can offer her an out. No one really likes sucking dick for money, except maybe your sister, but that’s just because she’s a slut.

Once the hooker believes your lies of a future together, she’ll never be able to bring herself to charging you. Once the deed is done, tell her you’re going out of town for the weekend, give her a fake number and go your separate ways. If you don’t have the skills needed to get a vulnerable hooker who’s down on herself to fall for you, you’re a lost cause and should give up on a quest for pussy. If you do, you get a whore for free and the fun that comes with manipulating people.


Make Her Famous:

Everyone wants to be famous. People see fame as a major out to all their financial and emotional problems. Fame is a fantasy for everyone, because when you balance the downsides of fame with the upsides of lux living, they’re really not that relevant.

You have to be careful about the kind of fame you offer her. It would be unrealistic for you to promise her a record deal, especially if bitch can’t speak English. It’s best to focus on what they do, which is trade sex for money. Being a porn star is every hooker’s fantasy; they aren’t dreaming of world tours, they would just be happy making $1000 a week.

The strategy here is simple: Tell her you run a porn site that will pay her more than double what she makes in a day. Tell her that all she has to do is continue with her current profession, only in a safer environment. The fact is that she’s never touched a computer let alone been on the Internet, but she does know that a lot of people make a lot of money there. Selling her on the dream will be enough to convince her that now is a great time for an audition, and in this case the audition is her fucking you. Tell her about all the girls that you’ve taken off the streets that are now millionaires now. You’ll have the upper hand, and she’ll be eager to show you the talents she’s worked so hard developing.

When you’re done, remember to say, “I just made you famous, bitch.” If she’s good at what she does, it might not be a lie after all! Who knows? You could very well get her working for you. But this isn’t about career advice.


Getting a hooker to fuck you for free is easy. You just need to play on her insecurities and manipulate the shit out of her. I’m not talking about manually manipulating the shit out of her, only because whores don’t shit; they’re too constipated from all the drug use. There are no guarantees that this advice won’t get you killed. I will admit that few people have the talent that I have in this environment. But dude, I think you can pull it off. A free hooker is a hell of a lot more rewarding than taking the bitch from the coffee shop out for dinner, only to slam her and deal with all her shit about wanting a relationship. This is good advice, but the success is all up to you. Cuddles!

Jesus Martinez
DrunkenStepfather.com